Gratitude

Last Chemo… NOT

Cancer, Gratitude, Musings /

Update 6/23/23: Yeah, so every chemotherapy begins with blood work that measures a bunch of things, and today was no different. Except for the fact that my immune system had not recovered as much as they want it to recover between chemo infusions. So close! But just far enough that they sent me home and I will go back next Friday, which, if all goes well, will be my actual LAST CHEMO!

Tomorrow (6/23/23) is my last chemotherapy session. I will go to UCLA Oncology center and get infused with toxic chemicals (cancer killers) one last time! I’m excited to be done with this part. So, in that way I’m excited to go to my last session tomorrow. In other ways, I’m not excited. Chemo is like volunteering for the flu for a week. It will be fine. It will be just like the others before it and it will take me a week to feel better and another 2 weeks to have my immune system in good shape. And after that, I will be able to return to normal… whatever normal is these days…

In 3 to 4 weeks I will start a maintenance drug called Nariparib (Zejula). It is a relatively new drug that is classified as a PARP inhibitor. Look it up if you’re interested in the science… Basically it inhibits cancer cells and causes them to die. Hopefully this drug will keep me cancer free for a very long time. I will be taking this drug for 2 to 3 years. I can’t say I’m excited to be on a cancer drug, but I am excited to be alive and to stay alive!

I don’t know when I’ll feel like going back to some of my things, like chorus and in person lessons and traveling, but I think this summer will be a time of transition for all of these things. I’m sure looking forward to seeing some folks that I haven’t seen in a long time!

Oh, and I am excited to wish you all a Happy Pride Month!

Chemo Swag: Rainbow Bracelet, Rainbow Apple Watch Face and band, Ovarian Cancer Bracelet, Another Ovarian Cancer Bracelet, and two Morse Code Bracelets (Ask me what they mean if you want to know…)
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Cancer Journals

Cancer, Gratitude, Musings /

Ribbons we all know about, but did you know that butterflies are also a common symbol for cancer patients?

There is a different color ribbon for almost each kind of cancer. Teal is for ovarian and cervical cancers. Pink is for breast cancer and they get the most press! I just saw a table devoted to breast cancer awareness at Trader Joe’s today… I tipped my teal ribbon decorated cap at the person at the table.

Cancer is tough and one of the ways that I’ve found to help get through it is journaling. Now, I actually journal mostly on my iPad because it’s usually handy and has a keyboard connected, but I used to journal exclusively on paper and I still love holding a book and a pen in my hands and marking those pages with colorful ink. So, to help others journal, I’ve put out three cancer journals on amazon (and when I get my copies, they’ll also be on my kohlermusicpress.com site).

These are the covers. Links are to amazon: Pink – breast cancer. Rainbow – any cancer. Teal – ovarian cancer.

And just so you’re aware of some of the big ones, here’s a picture:

An incomplete picture of different color cancer awareness ribbons.
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My Wig!

Cancer, Christian, Creative Process, Gratitude, Musings, News, Photos /

Caring And Comfort (Savvy Wigs) sent me my wig in May after a little delay. One of the main wig makers just had a little delay, I mean, a baby! I’m excited for her and still waiting for those pictures… I’m so grateful to Caring and Comfort, Christian and my Mom for helping me obtain this wig. It’s made from my hair and made to look exactly like I used to look…

I do feel ambivalent about wearing it. I love it AND it makes me cry.

It’s all very interesting to have it arrive when the hair on my head was starting to grow back in earnest. Of course, now, it’s falling out again from this second batch of chemo rounds. When I got diagnosed and cut off all my hair, I felt empowered and I didn’t really mourn much about the loss of my hair for that first part of chemotherapy. Cutting it off was a way I could take control of this out-of-control situation. But now, having my wig, and having my hair fall out a second time… I am mourning, more than I expected.

Here’s my journal entry from the day I received my wig (edited for language):

I got my wig. My hair. My hair all tied up in knots on lace that fits over my bald head. It’s emotionally very strange to suddenly have my hair back, but it’s not actually attached to my head. It does look uncannily like me. Or at least how I used to look. I’m not sure I look like that anymore. Which is maybe why it’s emotional. Why my hair got to be this symbol of something bigger, some letting go. Some mourning of a past self that will never exist again, cancer free and ignorant of the possibility of cancer. I am forever changed. It seems like a cliche, but it’s also a truth. I will never be the same again, cancer changed me. Physically, some of which I will recover from and the visible scars will be few. Emotionally, most of which will follow me until I’m gone. I want to travel and see my family more, I want to do the things I’ve dreamed of and never acted on. I want to do more of the same things I’m doing anyway, because I do love music, writing music, teaching music, performing music. My hair. My identity. My look. My sexuality. My quirk. My recognizable trait. My hair. 

Picture of Kate looking uncannily like her old pre-cancer self with long wavy hair. Yes, this is my wig!

I am grateful and I am healing and I am hopeful…

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